Why Lesbian Vampire Killers is not a funny movie. Read at your own risk

11 Nov

I am developing a birthday tradition – we gather friends, eat and drink and watch horror movies. This year it was “Piranha 3DD” and “Lesbian Vampire Killers“, both at the request of friends.

For the past few days I have tried to find out why I did not like LVK. British horror comedy, what is not to like? Most dialogues are beer-witty, the images nicely composed … and yet something sat wrong with me. Until I got it. And now allow me to spoil the fun (and the movie) for you:

Basically this is a story of two guys accidentally stumbling into an ancient curse that turns every woman of a certain village into a lesbian vampire by the age of 18. The curse stems from Vampire Queen Carmilla, who fell in love with the wife of some knight, who, quoting from memory, was the only man brave enough to penetrate her. The movie goes on, showing how those two British blokes try to get a few German mythology(??) students drunk in order to get laid. Of course all women are turned into vampires before the guys get lucky. Which basically forces them to lift the curse. A bit of blood (or in this case, slime) shedding, a bit of cursing, some very mild erotic scenes later everything is fine – except for the fact that the women may not be vampires anymore, but they are still lesbians. The Horror!!!

So what rankled me? You guessed it – the cultural depiction of the German students was totally wrong. (Just kidding.)

My real problem – so first this Carmilla is raped, and then she is the evil one for cursing a village? And what is wrong about being a lesbian? I know, I know, they meant no harm, and why do I always have to take everything so serious? But I honestly preferred ageing David Hasselhoff singing and failing at lifeguarding over LVK. Sorry, not sorry.

(Just so you know that not all is lost – I am watching “Penny Dreadful” on Netflix at the moment, and I really enjoy the depiction of the evil witches. Honestly, who of us hasn’t thought about sewing the heart of a child into a doll to curse someone annoying?)

(That was not sarcasm.)

(For the records, no children have gone missing anywhere near me.)


One Response to “Why Lesbian Vampire Killers is not a funny movie. Read at your own risk”

  1. Magaly Guerrero November 23, 2015 at 3:26 pm #

    I completely understand. I get quite annoyed when movies (and books) take social issues and make fun of them in completely nonsensical ways. Thank goodness for those who can artfully (and believably) depict evil seamstress witches, indeed. *cough*

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