Stuck in a rut

4 Aug

For months.

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to go out. The demands thrust upon me by work and society feel like too much. Going out? Having fun? Please, don’t make me do it.

This has been going on for several months. But last night, finally, I scared myself. A bit. We were talking about a heavy metal festival Richard has been longing to attend for ages. And suddenly we had the chance to buy tickets – I’m talking about Wacken, which tends to sell out extremely fast, although it is one of the biggest heavy metal festivals in the world, like, one year in advance – and Richard was getting all excited, and I thought, for the briefest of seconds, “Who knows whether I’ll even be here in a year!”

For the records, I really don’t plan to off myself any time soon. Can’t say I haven’t thought about it over the years, but I am pretty positive I won’t go anywhere unless they make me. All in all, I like life. It is just a little bit … much. And not enough at the same time.

Not enough sleep, too much responsibility.

Not enough time to do the things I enjoy, too many people in need of attention and emotional support.

Not enough time spent in the sun, too many obligations.

I try to divide my time between the office, my writing, household chores as well as family and friends. I have to organize most of our outings, since Richard is neck-deep in work, sometimes for sixty hours per week or more. And it all feels like I am trying to run at top speed with a millstone around my neck.

I would like to spend more time greeting the sun at the edge of the woods. I would like to spend more time on the balcony with a book in my lap. I would like to spend less time around people, and less time scheduled away due to outside demands.

Thank the Gods we get two weeks off work in September.


One Response to “Stuck in a rut”

  1. Magaly Guerrero August 6, 2015 at 12:03 am #

    I hope September makes things better, or at least leaves you with a bit of time to think how to get there. One of the reason why I left the corporate world was because I one point it became too much: I wanted to read, I wanted to write, I wanted to walk around in graveyards… It was a big difficult decision; for choosing those things meant I had to give up others. I had to rework my budget, since I was not going to make the same amount of money. It was scary at first. I didn’t think I was going to make due, or enjoy things as much as I thought I would, then things fell into place… Later I got sick and was glad I had given up the other stuff. If not I would be in so much trouble right now, trying to get used to illness and giving up most of the things I knew.

    You are a witchy woman, so you already understand that if your huge brain is sending those feelings it is certainly for a reason. Maybe you are doing way to much, maybe there is a way of releasing some of the responsibilities… ♥

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